Bad Luck

A-

A long list of "should be's". 1# on the list is studying (present progressive). Course starts next week am I have no clue why I signed up for it. The money is all gone, debt has come home to rost. I'm tired of moving, the problem with moving to another country is the same problem I have with living in the Bay Area, I will have to go with me. I'm really fucking sick of I. How is it that people seem to always be able to tell that I am not a happy camper? Is this why I couldnt find another job, another girl another any-fucking-thing. Im not sure if my mental condition is getting worse or if people really dont like me. I dont want to teach people english, however, I dont want to do anything anymore. I'm thinking about going on ritalin, basically im sick of being smart and nothing ever getting done. I have free time and nothing gets done. Im tired of being a bitter fuck up at everything I do. Sometimes i think about how i might have been able to go to grad school this year if I hadnt flipped out and fucked everything up. "Now its over im dead and I havent done anything that i want or I'm still alive and theres nothing I want to do."

whoops almost 10 now, better get to bed, must be fresh and on top of things for my exceiting career in health care.

I should not publish this, I should just go to bed, but whatever maybe some day when im famous these entries can be used by my biographier.