Now I got a job/ but it don't pay

A-

I'm almost out of ideas. Ive been pushing to get people to talk to me about jobs and what not and it just doesnt seem to be happening. Even with ins I still cant seem to get in. I hate this sitting around waiting for people to get back to me about my future. It's the same problem I had yesterday really.

Do I complain to much? Is this complaining? I think this is legitmate. Its just a fucking nasty time to be having to make something of oneself. I dont know what the hell to do.

I'm close to wantig to just say fuck it, finding a place to squat in Oakland and starting a punk band. why not? there aint nothing else going down, not at all. I'm either going to win the fight and get a job, or find out what happens to defeared dreams. If I wanted a reason to be a negationist Im getting just what I asked for.

Two of my friends from Bard are comming out this way in August- one of them has expressed an interest in finding an apartment with me. While I do welcome the news, It makes finding some more gainfull empolyment than that that I have now all the more intense. I mentioned this to my aunt yesterday who replied "well we've enjoyed having you here", it was the type of responce I would have expected if I had said I will be moving out at the end of the week, not maybe in two months. Like I say, I dont know what to do- I feel embrassed to stay home these days, but cant think of anywhere to go- everything cost money- money that I cant be spending. Money that from the one job I do have, I have to keep reminding my boss to give me in regards to the work I've done.

what the fuck? Cant a brother get a fucking break once an while.

I guess i'll go wonder around somewhere today and pay too much for lunch somewhere. I would like to find that Botanical Garden at UCB that i searched for one time but did not find, I would like to hide there today on a bench, I'm reading Crime and Punishment but my hearts not in it. Finished Fragments of Anarchist Anthropology- which was writen by someone with a PHD but reminds me of my essay in Polis.

What I would ask of my friends to day: think of me while playing the first Clash album- and perhaps Train in Vain as chaser. I will be.

en la lucha
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